My Heart Is Broken

My heart is broken, but it is being healed and comforted in many ways. We went to our second doctors appointment for our baby and hoping to find out the sex of the baby we were surprised when the doctor found something else..........TWINS! That's right we have identical twins in my belly. Unfortunately one little baby didn't make it and died 3 weeks ago. The doctor said that it had some heart problems and it wasn't developing right. So it is the body's natural way when something isn't developing right. Most miscarriages you don't know what wasn't developing right. Since this baby was 9 weeks when it died and won't leave my body the doctor can look at the baby with the ultrasound and tell me the exact problem. The other baby is perfectly healthy so far and is double the size now of the other baby. He checked for a sign of heart problems with the healthy baby and it doesn't look like it has any! I will carry both babies all through my pregnancy and when I deliver the healthy baby I will deliver my baby that didn't make it too. Because they are identical they share the same yok sac and blood supply so my body shouldn't want to miscarry the baby out of my body. I have to go get checked on by the doctor more frequently so he can make sure the healthy baby is doing fine with the other baby in there. And also that my body is handling the twins well. In the ultrasound I can see both babies. And in every ultrasound from here and until I deliver the baby, I will always be able to see that other baby in my body.

I just started to cry because my whole life I have wanted twins more than anything. I don't have any twins in my family and Dan has one sister with twins. I haven't ever been on fertility so I never thought it was possible for me to get twins. I won't get my twins in this life but I know I will get my twins in heaven. I am glad that the twins get to be together for another 6 months inside of me. And I still get some more time with my other baby too. And my baby will always have a special spirit or little twin guardian angel their whole life. And how amazing is it going to be when they meet again. This experience has been hard and I know it might get harder but it will be worth it when we are all together again. It makes me want to live my life more righteously so that I can make it to heaven with my baby. Things happen for a purpose and the Lord knows why it needed to be. I am so blessed with my amazing comforting husband. The spirit is also a strong comforter right now in my life. I am just so lucky and blessed that I have at least one healthy baby still on the way.

The doctor just kept apologizing that he didn't see the twins at the first appointment. I am so glad that he didn't because it would have been so much harder for me. I would have been so excited and expecting 2 babies. But I have only been expecting 1 baby and I still have 1 coming. So for that I am so grateful. I know this was suppose to happen and that I am suppose to grow through this trial. I am so blessed for my sacred temple marraige and my eternal family. I am grateful that I know my baby is with my Heavenly Father right now and that when the day comes I will go to heaven and see the Lord holding my baby. The Lord will give me a hug and let me hold my baby for the first time!

Sorry this post is so long. It is therapy for me to write this. It is hard for me to talk about and I have been in tears the whole time I have been writing. Thanks for letting me share a very private and hard part of my life with you.